Life is turbulent. All families experience seasons of change or chaos. It’s normal to experience an occasional disagreement, or even an ongoing argument that can interrupt the normal flow of daily life. But, today, nearly half (41%) of all families experience a major transition such as marital separation and eventual divorce. In these cases, each person in the family will have to navigate the effects of some pretty turbulent skybumps — and parents and other caring adults are the exact right pilots for children during this time.
Take Care of You
One predictor of how well children adjust to the separation or divorce is how well the parents adjust. Children are able to change and adapt in even severe circumstances, but modeling the behavior that you wish to see in your child as you help them through this rough transition will go a long way toward keeping everyone afloat and moving forward. Another fact to keep in mind is that children need to feel safe and connected, even in the face of tumultuous parental separation. Not only do the parents experience their own set of emotional struggles, but they have the added stress of handling their child’s sometimes volatile moods. While these behaviors are likely VERY emotionally triggering for you, it is important to model calm. Which isn’t always easy. When you are not, please don’t be too hard on yourself and seek out a solid support system to care for you when you need it. This can include a professional therapist, a family ministry leader or a trusted friend. During times that other people are not available to you, you can care for yourself by simply checking in with how you are feeling regularly throughout the day.
Keep Open Lines of Communication: Reassure and Validate
It’s not uncommon for children to believe that they are to blame for the divorce. When talking to your kids about the divorce process, it’s important to reiterate that this is not their fault. You may need to repeat it a few times. Two phrases I encourage my clients to say to their children is: “You didn’t cause this and there is nothing you can do to fix this.” and “Although mommy and daddy won’t be married anymore, we are still a family. Nothing can ever change that.” Allow your child to ask questions, and answer honestly about what you know and what you don’t. Their life is changing drastically, like yours, and staying quiet about basic information you do know will only heighten their anxiety.
Encourage Expression of Emotions
Encourage your child to express their emotions. For children who have high emotional volatility, teach them ways to express what they are thinking and feeling without escalating into a highly charged conflict. Sometimes reminders are necessary.
Keeping lines of communication open can be difficult when tensions are running high, but allowing a child to say what is on their mind and listening with empathy goes a long way toward making a child feel seen and heard. Some kids are harder to draw out when it comes to their feelings and they may be more open to communication through stories, movement, and play.
Provide Consistency, Routine, and Assurance
Children thrive on structure, consistency and routines. By keeping to agreed upon schedules, rules, and clear communication filled with reassurances, a more peaceful atmosphere can replace turmoil and escalating conflict. Even as a new family dynamic is being created in each household, when children know what to expect, there is a greater chance that they won’t drift into the danger zones of persistent tantrums, destructive behaviors, or emotional volatility.
Children need assurance that even though some things will be different, their world isn’t falling apart. Particularly at the middle and high school phase, friendships are super important—so tell your kid that while many things will change, many more things will stay the same. They’ll still go to school, do their homework, play soccer (or chess), and play with their friends.
As kids navigate the changes associated with living in different households and adapting to new living arrangements, remind them that God is with them wherever they go.
Understand the Effects of Divorce on Children
Divorce impacts kids in different ways. With all of the new adjustments and complex and sometimes conflicting emotions following their parents’ divorce, you may observe a rise in tantrums, meltdowns, noncompliance, resistance to change and negative attitudes. At the height of the separation or divorce process, some children may even regress in development, display anxiety and sadness, or struggle academically. It’s normal for your child to experience a wide range of emotions during the process of separation and divorce. Often this can go on beyond what the older members of the family deem to be a reasonable length of time. According to reports, the majority of parents regain their equilibrium within two years of the separation. Nevertheless, some children may continue to experience difficult feelings about the divorce, including shock, anger, and sadness. Pay attention to the clues your child is giving you that they may be having a hard time. If you are noticing drastic changes in their behavior involving eating or sleeping habits, or persistent disruptive behavior (lasting 6 months or longer), consider seeking out professional help from a child or adolescent therapist.
Scripture verse to lean on: Isaiah 43:19
I am going to do something new.
It is already happening; don’t you recognize it?
I will clear a way in the desert
I will make rivers on dry land.